The Road w/ Anna Part 4
Instead of going to school the next day Ana had decided to take a mental health day. She took a drive along the coast until she reached Roanoke where she then took a walk along the shoreline. A cold breeze made it’s way across the water reminding her that fall would be coming faster than expected this far from home. She tugged at her coat as she felt the water lick at her toes. How many times had she just taken a drive away from home she never was able to keep track of but each time it made her feel closer to her mother. She felt at peace when she was near the water just as her mother had written all those years ago.
Ana used to write about places like this when she had been a little girl and somehow every story she had ever written had been near some form of water. She remembered crying one night and thinking to herself that her tears filled the oceans that her mother was watching over her every time she shed a tear. She had flashbacks of the funeral near here where her relatives had scattered the ashes into the sea. She wanted the same ceremony when her time came just to be with her mother once more. Ana hadn’t thought about that in years until now and a part of her wanted to cry while the other questioned why. For why should she shed a tear for a woman that she barely knew up until she was two? She would always answer herself; “It’s because of the journals that keep her alive.”
Ana took out an old leather bound journal that was filled with the last moments of her mothers’ life. Enclosed was a letter to Ana. The only letter that held her mothers’ voice for only her to read. The paper had been worn over time from Ana’s constant reading of it every time she needed to hear her mother talking to her in some way.
It had become her most prized possession out of all the journals that were packed away up in the attic. The only thing of her mothers’ that she thought was worth keeping close to herself at all times just in case she needed some inspiration from the supernatural. She sat down in the soft sand and took it out from the back page of the journal to read.
My Sweet Anastasia Rose,
If you’re reading this then something must have happened to me to where I have become unable to say all the things I’ve wanted to tell you when you’re finally grown. I have lived a very full life for one so young as I and maybe that’s how it was meant to be. I have seen all that I can and gave life to a beautiful little girl that I’ve always dreamed of having. I look over at you as you lay curled up in your crib and see so much beauty in one so small.
Your father would be proud to know that you were born healthy and most of all happy. Steven Carter was always good to me even when I doubted him every time I became confused about life. Once you were born that all changed and then right when I was ready to go back to him I found out that I was pregnant with a little boy; your little brother. I think I’ll name him James Dawson, Jack for short because I always did like that name best for a boy. It’s a strong name and I hope that he lives up to it just as I know you will live up to yours.
Life is unexpected, my little rose and I relish in it everyday knowing that I’m content to have you in it with me. I have only ever loved your father out of all the men I thought I had loved and I regret not telling him everyday that I look at you seeing so much of him in you. That’s why I’ve chosen to place the both of you in his care once I am gone. He is still your father after all and a good man.
I sit in this old rocking chair imagining you sitting on a beach somewhere remembering all that we’ve done together or could have done. I wish I could see you then for perhaps I could understand my daughter more than I ever understood myself. Do not give up on any of your dreams and try to watch over your little brother for I have a feeling that he’s going to be a handful once he gets old enough to stand his ground.
Always remember that no matter where I am I will always look after you but most of all love you. If you read my journals I promise to always come back to you when you think all hope is lost. Hope is never lost until you know where to look and I’ll always be there to help you find your way back. Time may have been taken from us but we will still have the sky and the ocean to bring us back together. I love you, my Anastasia Rose and I will always miss you.
Love,
Mom
Ana folded the letter back up and placed it back inside the journal as she sighed to the sky, “I miss you too, Mom.” She whispered to herself as she stood and walked back to her truck. She came back home to find her father working in his office and Dmitri waiting for her in the living room.
She slowly sat down her keys in the bowl near the foyer as she made her way inside, “What are you doing here, Dmitri?” She asked softly as she watched him stand up from the couch.
“I’ve only come to make this quick, Annie.” Dmitri said quickly before gesturing to a chair near him, “Could you please sit down for this?”
Ana shook her head, “I’d rather stand.” She said sternly as she tried to pick him a part with every movement he made.
He huffed, “Fine. Look I can’t be your friend anymore. I’m thinking about living with my dad for a while just until things calm down with my mom so I have to break off any ties I have here.” Ana could tell that this was hard for him to do due to his lack of eye contact with her, “I never thought I would have to do this especially to you. I mean you’ve been there for me through so much.”
Ana looked away as she felt a mixture of anger and hurt overcome her just as Dmitri took her hands in his as she quickly took them away from him, “Don’t you dare touch me.” She said through an even tone, “It’s a good thing that you’re doing this now by saving us both from getting hurt and all. I mean I would have done the same since I’m leaving for Greece anyway. Why not toss a couple of friends out the window before I go. They don’t matter that much anymore when I’m going to have a lot more elsewhere.”
Tears sprang to his eyes as he said softly, “I’m so sorry but I had no other choice, Annie.”
Ana shook her head as she glared at him, “Make sure to tell your dad how much of a jerk he is for hurting your mother for me and don’t worry I’ll make sure to pack all of your things that you were forced to do none of which were for yourself alone. It’s a good thing that you’re leaving because maybe it’ll give you a little perspective for once.” She then left the room and bounded up the staircase towards her bedroom where she slammed the door shut. Tears started streaming down her face as she slid onto the floor with her hands to her face.
As she cried Dmitri managed to come into the room through the opened window and got on his knees as he took her hands from her face to wrap them around his middle as he pulled her close to him. She cried even harder as he soothed her.
A tear escaped his eye as he tilted her face up towards him with a shake of his head, “I’m not going to let you go that easily, Ana. I’ll never let you go even if my parents drag me across the ocean to do just that. But there’s one thing that I’ve got to do and it’s the fact that I need to clear things up with my dad even if I think he’s a bastard for doing the things he did to us. I need to do this for myself, Ana, just as much as you need to go on that trip.”
“You don’t get it, Dmitri. I understand all that you have to go through but it doesn’t give you the right to come into my home and tell me that we can’t be friends anymore.” Ana shot back as she sat on her bed, “It isn’t fair to me because it’s as if I have no say in all of his. Like you’re dumping me for another girl even though you already have a girlfriend. Have you even told Nikki about this or are you just going to do it over text message like the last girl you dumped?”
He sat down on the edge of her bed, “You’re the first person I wanted to tell before anyone else. Nikki and I knew this day would come sooner or later anyway but I had to tell you before I told her. Out of all the people I know you’ve always been the one who understood me in how my life has been without having my dad around.”
Ana shook her head with a sigh of frustration as she looked at him, “My mother didn’t abandon us though. She died, Dmitri. There’s a huge difference in understanding how your life is compared to mine. You have no idea how lucky you are to have both parents who helped raise you without having to deal with the pain of loss. The only person who’s doing the abandoning in this situation is you. Talk about taking the meaning of back stabbing to a higher level. You may want to make this easy but you’re only making it so that it’s easy for you and not thinking that it just might hurt those who you’re doing it to.”
He shook his head, “I’m not trying to abandon anyone, Annie. I didn’t mean for any of this to hurt you if that’s what you’re thinking.”
She laughed sarcastically as she narrowed her eyes at him, “And why would you ever think that? You always did have a habit of saying things that just might cause some form of consequence.”
“Because I care enough to know that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do towards you that’s enough to want to never see you hurt.” He said with tears in his eyes as frustration overtook him.
She looked away from him, “Yeah well I’ve cared about you for years and it still never did me any good. This makes me wonder why I ever bothered in the first place after all those years I’ve wasted. I think you should leave because I can’t stand looking at you right now or I just might hurt you the same way you’ve hurt me. Don’t bother coming back either.” She then got off her bed and made her way up the spiral staircase towards the attic.
Dmitri let a tear fall from his eyes as he noticed a piece of paper sticking out of her nightstand drawer. He slowly took it out noticing his name peeking out from underneath the fold of the paper as he slowly unfolded it to read.
Dmitri,
This is a letter that you’ll never read but it’s something I need to do. Since the moment that we met I’ve liked you more than I should. Knowing my mothers’ past it’s dangerous for me to feel this way towards any man and yet it still causes me to question it. I won’t be like her and fall for the one man that could just as easily be lost to me forever. If I choose to go on this trip it will only make me crave for the same freedom and doing so making what I feel for you disappear. I can’t let that happen for I know that if I lose you then I’ve only lost myself. I (dare I say it) love you too much to just let it happen. You have been my world since I came here and if I lose that then what world do I belong to?
I am as lost as I once was when I was little when I didn’t know whom to turn to until I came across one of my mothers’ writings. She taught me that life is meant to be unpredictable no matter the course of action we choose to take. Life is meant to have the ups and downs even when we feel as if we’ve lost ourselves along the way. Words are all I needed to get me this far but sometimes it’s not enough to say what I feel underneath it all. For how can I when you’re supposed to be my best friend and the one person I’m obligated to have the ability to tell every thing to? Truth is it’s impossible when it could change everything we know of each other.
I can’t change what we have as friends when it very well could tear us a part instead. I have seen how much you love to have love in your life and I know that it’s not enough for me due to the fact that words can only say so much. I may regret forcing myself to stop feeling this way but I’m doing this for you and you’re worth dealing with that kind of loss. You’re worth feeling this way even though I don’t want to admit it. It’s just time I grew up a little bit more by having the courage to let you go. I’ve given up a lot for my family and that includes never falling in love again. I’m sorry it had to be this way but like you I’ve had no other choice.
Sincerely,
Your Annie
Dmitri closed up the letter and carefully placed it back in the drawer, as he looked up at all the things in her room that he had seen countless times before. “It was never meant to be this way. I should have told her years ago and now I’ve lost her possibly for good.” He thought to himself bitterly before leaving the same way he came in.
Ana sat up in her attic as she looked at the boxes that surrounded her and let the tears fall from her face. She glanced out the window at the rain that poured like torrents and thought of how many times she had seen storms like this while every time she had been the one crying. The rain was supposed to be soothing yet it only made her feel worse than before. He was going to be leaving and she would be all alone with no one to turn to but herself as it always been. How could she had let herself go this far without any fighting words left in her to muster? She had to let go of the past for it was the only way she could ever survive through any of this.
She quickly dried her tears and opened one of the cabinets that held a bottle of whiskey. She uncorked it and took a swig just as the bitter taste hit her tongue causing her to flinch at the taste. She drank as much as she possibly could take of it and placed it back in its spot. She leaned back and allowed her drunken daze take her so that she felt nothing but calm.
